Beach Etiquette

As we meander around Villefranche, Mom and I have come to a realization - not everyone knows how to behave in a European beach environment. So here are some helpful hints:

First and foremost, no gawking, pointing, making loud exclamations about bare boobies, or drooling. Lolling tongues out the side of the mouth are equally unacceptable. And, as Mom has pointed out, no laughing, under any circumstances, no matter what you see. Be prepared to see bare breasts. Only the North Americans are obsessed with the mammary glands. Over here, there are men who have larger breasts than some women. So, no silly giggling at the view.

When walking along the boardwalk or beach wall, one must not gawk (mentioned above) or lean over for a better look. Even if you are on the phone. It is irritating and a bit discomfiting. Scuffing of shoes, or kicking of stones will also garner unwanted wrath and a volley of curses about your ancestry. Add to the list of no-nos, no throwing of cigarette butts, spitting, or horking over the side. Sunbathers take a very dim view of projectiles, fiery or wet, coming in contact with their bronzing regime.

Be prepared to see underwear. Not just the men wearing oversized jeans so that one can see their boxers. Rather, real underwear - bras, panties, briefs. It happens. At least 50% of the people on the beach are wearing their underwear instead of a swimsuit. Be thankful, that at least they are wearing underwear.

So when you see a woman in a bra, more than likely she is covering up!

As for men, it is not unusual to see briefs. Not the tightey-whities, rather, the Calvin Klein multi-coloured variety. The Europeans have quickly figured out that white becomes transparent when wet. That's one way you can differentiate between real French and pseudo-French American wannabes. Also, no boxers. That's just wrong and they bag in the most inconvenient places, not to mention, when wet, they dribble continuously.

Finally, on this subject of underwear, if, by chance, you should catch a glimpse of exposed underwear, do NOT take a second look. Chances are your eyes will be subject to the Full Monty and, in most cases, will immediately sear that image into your retina and memory. It will be rare the time you actually get a pleasant view, rather, more often, it will be a shock of withered multilayered skin baked to leather, or, more rolls than the Pillsbury doughboy, or, even worse, a line of hair that never ends.
So look away, quickly.

Cell phone conversations are particularly annoying. For some reason, people tend to speak louder (shout) into their phones than when they speak normally. Once again, details of business deals, or intimate descriptions of various antics from the prior evening do not need to be shared with an unwilling audience. Coquettish flirting is also particularly nauseating. It is not clear why cellphone users think that people around them are deaf as they divulge their deepest secrets. Unless the audience is allowed to throw rotten tomatoes at the cellphone abuser, a whisper goes a long way.


Positioning one's towel or beach mat is equally important. Do not place them sideways. It is considered very piggish to hog the prime real estate. Like they teach you in kindergarten, share.

As for how close you can set up camp, there are several ways to tell.

If you can lie down on your stomach, raise your arms and throw sand pebbles at the person beside you, you are too close.

Being able to play tiddly winks with your toenail clippings using your neighbour's bellybutton is another way of deducing that you have placed your mat too closely.

Being able to read your neighbour's book is still another indicator of too close proximity.

Walking by and leaving a trail of sand pebbles on their beach mat is definitely too close.



And finally, walking right by the top of their head so that the drips from your ice cream cone fall on their head like seagull poop is quite a no-no.


After finding a suitable location for your towel, we now go on to courtesy. Quiet conversation between friends/acquaintances is perfectly acceptable, but no loud discussions about politics, religion or sexual encounters. TMI.

Unspoken also, is the rule about who sets up camp where. Each beach is divided into areas:

the young families congregate together in order to maximize the supervision of young-uns. Young parents still care about offspring, even other people's. It also provides respite from being your child's personal playmate if there is another child around.

Another area is for the teenagers or young adults, with their inane chatter about who did what, where and when as well as their own "adult" analysis of what happened, punctuated by "oh, my God" and "Like, what a skank!" It also provides room for the young males to show off their prowess by indulging in horseplay and push-ups while their audience, flip their hair and gaze adoringly, or, as happens quite often, ignore the immature antics of the male species.

Finally, there is the serious sunbathers. Quiet rules in this area. Little talking, idle chatter and serious baking. Well tanned skin in various degrees of exposure. Once again, the rules about gawking apply. You may also want to add the caution against taking photos of various specimens. How gauche!

Under no circumstances should the various groups mingle. Blood may flow, words may be uttered and the sanctity of the beach would be compromised.